Wanted

A lot of things have led me towards this post, but I'm not sure where the post will go so bear with me today.

Yesterday, my sister and I took Eva to see Dreamworks' How to Train Your Dragon for the third or fourth time. She loves the dragons and the epic peril or whatever it is that gives it the PG rating. And I love re-watching kids' movies because there is always such a simple, yet profound, lesson lurking beneath their surfaces. 

The outcast-saves-society plot line is well-worn but well-loved. Hiccup, the tiniest Viking in history and son of the village Chief, can't kill any of the dragons that attack his people. He's small, clumsy, and accident-prone.  So he befriends a dragon, learns its ways and tames it. So at the end, after he's saved his village and proved his worth, his father turns to him and announces to the village that they were just in need of more of "this," and Hiccup says, 

"You just gestured to all of me."

That line echoes earlier lines when his father and a friend were trying to encourage him to be more Viking-like, but man, how powerful is that? When a father looks at his son and affirms that everything about him is worthwhile and meaningful. How often does that happen? Don't we normally look at people and say, "yeah, you're good at ____ but you really could be better at ______." We pick people apart. Acceptance is conditional. And yes, we're human and we're flawed but I'm not sure that is a good excuse.

I've also been listening to some CD's that a friend from work gave me. They're from sessions at a conference called New Wine in Charleston, SC. And one of them is this Scottish guy talking about the calling of the Church and he said something so true, I've been thinking about it for days: everyone needs to feel wanted.

Isn't that obvious? But when you stop and think about it, how often do we live like we know it's true? I know I'm not nice to everyone. I'm quite a snob--I know it--even though I'm conscious of it, I'm still prey to those bad habits.  Our own insecurities play themselves out in our interactions with others. I'm deeply afraid of being found unattractive. I spent my formative years as a chubby kid and the world and those in it (middle school age boys, in particular) are not kind to overweight girls. And yet I am constantly criticizing and critiquing the appearance of others. I do to them what I do to myself every time I look in the mirror. Isn't that strange? I desperately crave acceptance in that area and yet I offer no sympathy to others in the same boat. It is an epic flaw. One that seriously affects my karma, I'm sure of it. And the things that I do to garner the acceptance I long for, to be found attractive and desirable... those have certainly affected my karma as well.

What do you do to find acceptance? To feel wanted? Some people drive themselves to succeed in their careers. Others get married. Or have kids. Or become wealthy. But even the best of those will eventually disappoint. A spouse will have an off day. A child will become a teenager and eventually an adult with less and less need for a parent. (My two-year old is currently previewing this for me.) The rate of diminishing returns will hold true and adding more zeros to your portfolio will be less and less satisfying. I doubt there is a single thing on earth that will never disappoint. Or do you look for acceptance where you will not be disappointed?

We went to a new church this morning. I have never felt more welcomed in my entire life. EVERYONE introduced themselves to us. And even with my sister and my boyfriend at my side, it is still very difficult for me to walk into church with my daughter because I still carry shame for being a single mother. Should I? No. But I do. Chalk it up to being a good Southerner. But those people were open and accepting. I'm not saying within church walls is the unfailing place to find acceptance; I've been to a lot of churches where I felt judged and unloved. But these people clearly loved each other and were ready to love some new people too. So where did their warmth and love come from? From the Father that loves to gesture to all of us and say, "I made that." From the Father that can whisper in our ear and say, "I am here."

I'm not an expert on God. I do not pretend to know Him as well as I should after 25 years in church buildings and a "Christian" university experience. But I do know that He wants me. There was a day in February before Eva was born when love was poured over me in an abundance that still brings me to tears just thinking about it. I'll tell you about it sometime. But after that day, it was impossible for me to ignore His insistent plea to trust in his provision. Am I perfect, have I been able to let Him guide my every step and erase every worry and doubt from my mind? No, far from it. But I do know that when I can manage to put my fears in His hands, it's with good reason. I am wanted.